You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
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Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
worst…sale…ever
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies