ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
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If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Haha good job!!
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?