Inventor of the mirror: I wish this wall looked like me
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
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If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My mum has a PhD on Corona Virus from WhatsApp University
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.