@Prof_Hinkley

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

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@deegeemindi

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

@david8hughes

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

@TheBoydP

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

@murrman5

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

@ddsmidt

No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

@omgthatspunny

Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft office is in big trouble. You have my Word.