[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
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If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”