[announcement over PA at work]
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

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*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?


You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!


I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.


Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.


This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people


[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia


Twitter…because if it can’t be described in 140 characters or less, did it really ever happen?


Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.


Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs walked into a bar.
Two animated gifs w[ESC]