Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler