Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
You Might Also Like
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.