Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?