@ericsshadow: [annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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@trevso_electric: Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
@Deirdreocx: [Cops have a warrant for my arrest] Cops: you're coming with us! *Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away* Foot chase ensues.
@Deirdreocx: [First date] "So, do you have any pets?" Yeah, I have a pet crow. He's white. "You have an albino crow?" He prefers the term cawcasian.