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@Thedudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@RhinoUR

Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”

@PleaseBeGneiss

Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.

Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.

@Jake_Vig

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

@abbycohenwl

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

@joe_binkley

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

@sixfootcandy

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.