[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
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My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation