@ElizaBayne
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
@PJTLynch
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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@ElizaBayne
@3sunzzz
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
@Poutymcgee
*watches you carefully arrange the piles of paperwork on your desk
*waits for you to finish
*sets fan to “oscillate”
@Reverend_Scott
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
@TylerLinkin
Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.
@SnarkyMommy78
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
@imteddybless
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
@JediGigi
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
@UncleDuke1969
Yelp* now has jail reviews. (true)
Felon87: Try for Block C. Great ambient lighting, management is courteous & the risotto is ‘to die for’.
@GingerFactor
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….