Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!