@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

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@blade_funner

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

@roxiqt

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

@mommy_cusses

Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?

@MichaelTrying

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@schumoo

Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.

@notfunnyelle

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*

@fsuflores

An ice bucket challenge …

But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.

@theshamingofjay

How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.