Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

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Me: [going in for a hug]



There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,


Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?


I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.


Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.


my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a beat too long*


An ice bucket challenge …

But for when teenagers don’t want to get out of bed and get ready for school.


How many times do I have to tell you this Mom? I have thousands of fans who need to know my thoughts. So, no I can’t take out the garbage.