@curlycomedy

Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.

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@Marlebean

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

@batkaren

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

@SatansTongue

*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*

@ThePocketJustin

Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)

@FredTaming

doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’

me: why are we on the roof

@thatdutchperson

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

@psybermonkey

Duolingo

[1 day]
You forgot to practice

[1 week]
We miss you

[1 month]
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin

@Mr_Kapowski

“The princess dies. And then the people trying to save her die. Dragon guarding the castle? Dead”

– Bedtime at George R.R. Martin’s house