{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
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My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.