Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I missed you with all my darts
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.