Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
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Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.