Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson
The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you own a small, anti-Kindle bookstore and it’s not called Page Against the Machine, just give up.
Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks