Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
A ghost story
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster