@NeinQuarterly

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

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@difficultpatty

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

@WritePlay

“What an awesome body-”

Oh… thanks. I work out-

“- of research.”

– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.

@TheTweetOfGod

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

@TheAlexNevil

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!

@noogscorner

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

@marinhubka

Shoe repair guy: so what happened?

[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]

Me: I stepped in a..puddle

@ianpauldukes

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

@baaabs_29

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.