another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?