another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…


Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.


I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.


Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow

Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?

Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out


Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.


If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.


HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century


ME: can I ask one last question