another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
📽️movie date🎞️
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”