Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
You Might Also Like
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
our love story in four pictures
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.