Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.