Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!


Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.


I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.


Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear


If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?


Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.


Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.


Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…