Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

You Might Also Like


Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.


If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.


“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery


[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.


50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.


Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.


When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”


Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.


I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.