@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

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@adamjest

Plot twist: dogs act scared of vacuums to avoid housework.

@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

@SortaBad

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

@SondraDeeMe

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

@LoveNLunchmeat

50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.

@JAdomian

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

@TheNuttyKiwi

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

@realdealbiehl

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.