@delusions_of

Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.

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@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

@badbanana

Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.

@CruisinSoozan

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

@junejuly12

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

@DrakeGatsby

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

@shariv67

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

@RodLacroix

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…