I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Breaking news:
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.