Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
the clam before the storm
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
How did we not see this back then?
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed