My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?