Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

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Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder


The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong


The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.


(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn


This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone


Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.


They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.


When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.


Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?


Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.