Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face


The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.


Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security


Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*


My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.


Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree


Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”


Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?


Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.


I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.