@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

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@PaperWash

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

@_Tempo11

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention

Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that

Invention: *crying*

@MetteAngerhofer

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

@MavenofHonor

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

@LifesGoodThing

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

@rebrafsim

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

@Slims_Ramblings

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I didn’t see you first.

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.