Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
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Radiohead fans, this is for you.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.