@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

You Might Also Like

@Megatronic13

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@VerbsRProudest

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

@VerefiedHusband

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

@ericsshadow

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

@envydatropic

Nothing scares me more than a refund check from the government that I didn’t know was coming.

@seamusmckracken

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

@sliver_of

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

@LnL245

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

@MsBross

Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.