Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.

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I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…


I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.


How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?


[Confessional Booth]

Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?

Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.


Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?



Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.

Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.


*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy


A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

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