@AskAuntieEm1

Answer your phone, “come in” just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.

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@brennadine

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

@CodyJP9412

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

@OmarNajam

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

@captainkalvis

Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth

@TheHyyyype

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

@TheAlexNevil

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

@LoveNLunchmeat

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

@ruinedpicnic

There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about