Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
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“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado