[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
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[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.