[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

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Asking someone out is so unpredictable. You never know exactly how they’re going to say no.


I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts


Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex


Yes, I am aware pigs are more intelligent than dogs. Why would I want to eat an inferior animal and absorb its lesser powers?


Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush


Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant


me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this


Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.


imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”