@squirl_haggard

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

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@TweetPotato314

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@vanderheydensax

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

@drinksmcgee

*catches a pretty girl’s eye
*puts it in a jar of formaldehyde with all the other eyes I’ve collected

@drayzze

Random DM’s:

“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hello” – *blocked*
“Hi” – *blocked*
“Hey there” – *blocked*
*nudes* – *blocked*
“I have free snacks” – “Well hello there, soulmate!”

@JohnLyonTweets

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

@vexroid

This restaurant should really be giving me a discount for ordering carryout and not bringing my kids inside.

@TheMissyBaker

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

@jake_likes_naps

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.