[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.