Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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Lmbo
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
genius
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Tapped in
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.