*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Feels like the fourth month in January
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
spicy snake
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.