@MrSpoonicorn

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

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@Book_Krazy

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@TattleTSister

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@nowarranty

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

@_elvishpresley_

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

@GingerHotDish

I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.

@Brampersandon_

JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred

ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.