@_davidlucas_

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

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@iinkedZombie

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

@chagger73

Understanding women isn’t rocket science.

Rocket science has rules and boundaries.

@bobvulfov

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

@Gupton68

[supermarket]

Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!

Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*

M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me

M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!

M: *peels a cheddar slice from…

@DaddyJew

Daddy, how’d you get that scar?

*flashback to me tripping & falling while running from the police after a night of drunken debauchery*

War

@iwearaonesie

[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?

[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!

@Sickayduh

Me: Guess what
Her: What
Me: The opposite of Aquaman
Her: …
Me: Is Landlady
Her: …
Me: …
Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow
Me: Ok

@slimpickins_

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

@realHamOnWry

Today Donald Trump renewed his talk about surveillance on Mosques, gun control and adding alligators to FBI No Fly lists.

@nachdermas

i feel bad for crabs because they can never eat a sandwich they’ll just keep cutting it into smaller pieces every time they try to hold it