Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*