Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

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The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-


doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning


I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.


In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.


Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”


[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly