@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

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@SSparklesDaily

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

@OllyiConic

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

@tsm560

In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.

@juneohara65

Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”

@bobvulfov

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly