*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
You Might Also Like
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Just me and my debit card against the world
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.