@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

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@UncleDuke1969

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

@DavidAdt1

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@shariv67

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@Pro_Jones_

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

@chuuew

ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

@DaddyJew

Relationship threats:

teens: i’ll cheat on you

20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys

30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you