ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”
Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*
[2 hours later]
Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U
Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
teens: i’ll cheat on you
20’s: i’ll go to the bar with my boys
30’s: I’m gonna watch all of our shows without you