[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
groan^2
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story