[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Doctors texting each other.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me: