@PleaseBeGneiss

Ant: did you find any food for the queen

Super fat ant: the what

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@UnFitz

For some reason people who say โ€œFight me!โ€ never expect that first punch.

@Shock_Monster

I don’t gossip because:

1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff ๐Ÿ™

@mayamanion

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

@ImaFlyontheWall

Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from “The Sleeping Disease”

@eff_yeah_steph

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

@verysadgamer

me: my phone is always on silent

them: don’t you miss calls?

me: yes ๐Ÿ™‚

@sleepwalkingdog

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.