For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Ant: did you find any food for the queen
Super fat ant: the what
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I don’t gossip because:
1. It’s not my business.
2. I’m no better than anyone else.
3. And no one tells me any good juicy stuff 🙁
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Fun Prank: When someone wakes from a coma, have everyone dressed in medieval clothes and welcome them back from “The Sleeping Disease”
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.