My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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Polite kitties have good etiquecat
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human