@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

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@GrumpyBahr

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

@TheDairylandDon

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

@omgthatspunny

Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!

@LostFelicia

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

@Marlebean

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

@jake_lach

My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen

@AddTequila

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.

@Holy_Mowgli

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

@ThisOneSayz

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

@aveuaskew

Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”