ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

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North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.


Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.


Why don’t seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they would be called Bagels!


If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.


I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”


My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen


Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.


arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”


I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.


Tell me I’m beautiful

“You’re beautiful”

Tell me I’m a genius

“You’re a genius”

Tell m-

“Just give me the toilet paper, please”