ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
How is it still this week?
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration