Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Good morning.