ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
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Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
next level snooze
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Anyone want a chair?
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down