Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different
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DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
See a penny pick it up…
All day long you’ll have….
A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.