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@imagine_vegas

Still haven’t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket…scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different

@KyleMcDowell86

DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

@deankarrier

Convince new friends into thinking you’re a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows

@Poutymcgee

See a penny pick it up…

All day long you’ll have….

A nagging feeling that the previous owner wasn’t a “hand washer”.

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@NaaN_Conformist

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@WilliamAder

Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.

@g0_f1sh

A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa

@t_cuppp

Starting a Psychofit class. Basically, I sneak up on people showering and chase em with a knife til they achieve their desired body weight.