[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer