Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

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[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children


Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us


Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.


Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back


I’m pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door.

-Me, at KFC


Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?


She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.


Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir