[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
“You missed a spot.”
Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes
Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back
I’m pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door.
-Me, at KFC
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir