@misfarber

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

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@decentbirthday

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@RecursiveTaco

Recipe: leave the onions to sweat for 10 minutes

Me, to the onions: we need to have a talk when I get back

@lildandeli0n

I’m pretty sure my soulmate will come through that door.

-Me, at KFC

@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@squirrel74wkgn

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

@JKNenagh

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir