Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX