anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
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i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.