Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.