[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
You Might Also Like
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business