[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear