{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
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The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”