[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon