[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
You Might Also Like
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
🤣🤣🤣
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!