[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.