ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun